Love conquers all

how the power of love changed my life

Being the only girl in the family is not always what people pre-scripted as somewhat "Lucky"...
no~~ it's not...

I'm the only girl in the family with my 2 older brothers and 2 younger brothers... and somehow... I don't feel lucky at all~~ especially when it comes to my relationship with my mother.. our relationship back in the days wasn't really a good start.. to be honest, I couldn't even recall the caused of such coldness...it happened just like that...

At first, I wasn't really bothered with it... I was only 5 back then.. and I don't even understand how life operates.. but I started noticing the "coldness" when I was going to 13.. I realized our pattern of relationship between mother-daughter was pretty awkward... or if I must say.. LOVELESS..

we were totally two different people.. for her, i'm just a child that needed someone older to be taken care of.. and for me, she's just an old woman that responsible for my well-being.. she was no one...she was a stranger to me...

I don't understand how come the only girl in the family.... that supposed to be soo-closed to her mother.. supposed to be best friends?? feeling so empty and lonely...

i was envy with my friends.. they can cuddle and laugh with their mother... while i got beaten and scolded... i never felt the warmth of a mother.. we never hugged.. we never cried.. we never even laugh..she never taught me how to cook.. she never even prepared me for my 1st period.. my first encounter adulthood..... we were just two strangers living together.. and at some point i thought to myself.. i'm might be adopted.. i must be.. because all this while, she was sooo used to boys.. and suddenly there's this girl.. and she might started to freak out and panicked... and clueless on how to deal with this....one girl..

so i've tried everything.. i have acted like a boy..she would say "u're a girl, so act like one" i've acted like as one.. she would scolded me and say "unbelievable!!" i was all by myself...and finally i gave up.. it was hopeless.. she doesn't love me... maybe she never wanted a girl..and i kept setting that in my mind until i reach 18...and i determined to get out from Labuan... and move to KL.. away from her if possible...

Until that one particular moment.. something happened....

it happen when my parents sent me to the airport.. and i was about to board,  i noticed that my mother acted so unlike her.. she was crying.. like literally crying her heart out...and on that particular moment..out of no where... i felt.. like my heart was going to explode and there this somewhat warmth in my heart... it's like love at first sight...

you can imagine how my heart changed just That .....seeing her so weak with that tears... enough to prove that she does love me... and from that moment, everything that i always pictured her as a bad mother.. just gone with the wind.... and since that both of us changed ...changed for thE better even after my sister was born,  it bonded us even closer.. and we never stop loving each other since..

so what i'm trying to say is that.. once you felt the love of your mother / father.. whatever happens in the past..it just stayed in the past.. cause what matters now.. is now.. it's how long u're gonna spend what's left for them..that matters the most... and that's how her love changed my life wholly.... and become who i am today...

acceptance ~~~ is all that matters

we often forget whenever we had a fight with our loved ones or our friends~~~ that once we're mad at them .. then.. that's it... it's over...

why make promises if we can't abide to it till the end?? why even agree to stay together when we knew that one day we have to find our self a destiny to fill in... i really don't get it...

there's no such thing as true friend... this is reality.. we're gonna get hurt no matter what... we gonna hurt them.. no exception ... but what matter is that we accept the false not only the beauty from every individuality that we choose to be our friends.. we can't expect that they going to treat us good everyday.. we can't expect them to understand us .. to respect our decisions... we're human.. and we can't do the same to them either... and we sometimes made mistake... but what we can do is to be true and honest... i guess that what u need in any relationship..

you can't just force them to do WHAT YOU WANT ... there's this thing called toleration .. give and take?? fair and square?? acceptance even??

sometimes it felt as if there's just too much changes in our live that we couldn't manage to fit in accordingly... it's not that we've changed... it's just that we've grew up too fast.. and there's soo much thing we wanted to do in our lives...

if i am a good friend ... then i should respect their decision... not to hold them back... right? i don't really have the right to stop them from dreaming...it's their live to decide.. not mine.. in the end it's their happiness that counts .. not mine...

instead i should do the same... search for my dreams... built up my destiny that i was destined to do... find something that can change my life miraculously .... and be happy for everyone...

in the end.. it's all about acceptance... accept people as they are... good and bad.. because both if it... would gave us a hell of experiences ..... and from that we would know who are our true friends~~~

uncertainty

i feel like i'm drifted apart.. up to a point i can't recognized whether you're smiling or just giving that look of despair.. or annoyed..or maybe "whateverrr" ..

i'm trying to understand the situation.. what brings us to this point of uncertainty.. i just couldn't find the clue.. isn't it funny that i keep blaming myself even though i don't really know what's going on here?? really i don't..

all i could do now is just pretend that there's nothing happen and we're like we used to.. but the fact was.. i'm locking myself out.. that's what i'm doing now...

i keep myself busy with work, outstations, studies.. even financial matters.. (things that i choose not to care about whenever i'm down) but it turns out that these are the elements that's really important to me.. it keeps me thinking of something else.. instead of mourning to myself..

i dont' know what i've done.. i really don't.. but i'm sorry if i did... never meant to harm anyone.. one thing for sure.. i also get hurt.. i also.. can feel tormented... my patience has it's limit.. but no matter how low my limit was; i owez brings myself back to the good old days... and it always made me smile.. that's the thing we called acceptance... no matter how hurt you've caused... once people loved you... they owez do~~ and the cuts are just a tiny itsy bits issue that can be erased from our memory...

new year for new path

it's been a while~~

so; this new year of mine.. will be~~~~~~~ Different!!!

i'm gonna change my way of living... my way of thinking.. everything i guess..

it's gonna be a whole new path for me...

everything that i have been dreaming of doing is almost coming true~~~

i just hope that this wont change the way i am...

i wanna be brand new... produced not that perfect but ideal to my new life....

i won't rely on to anybody anymore.... independent woman is want i am...

i don't need sympathy.. what i need is acceptance and support...for whatever i'm doing..

i'm glad i have my friends with... whenever your family back you out.. you always have the rest to hold on to you; your friends.. not just ordinary friends... not just friends that pity you.. or proud of you... but friends that would sit there and nags you.... joins you..... mock you.... mad at you for all the wrong things you've done.... i guess thats what friends are for...

you can't buy friends.. that i am aware... i'm not much of a social or friendly kind of person... but i'm glad that i have friends that look at me and accept me as i am...

this new year will brings much more adventure and challenge and i'm not sure what will happen on this very moment and so on... but i believe that... i'll leave to the All Mighty.. and put everything to Him... i will start to Rely on Him... and believe that everything happens for a reason....

all the list i jotted for this new year; will be the new guidelines for me of becoming a brand new person.... becoming someone that i can be proud of myself... and smile every time i look at the mirror... "that's me" =) happy Great new Year ~~