I've read a book : Pencarian Penemuan by Wani Ardy from her latest book Langit Vanilla
Kalau kita tidak gemar ruang kita bekerja
balajar atau menetap
dan kita mencari sumbing sekitarnnya
kita akan jumpa
Kalau kita berubah hati
dan kita mencari punca-punca
yang membuat kita berpaling ke baru
kita akan jumpa
Kalau kita yakin kita betul
dan kita mencari sifat-sifat jelik
pada dia yang kita percaya salah
kita akan jumpa
Kita akan jumpa semuanya... kerana kita mencari
What did i learn from this? believed in what i feel? people say "ikut hati Mati, Ikut Rasa, Binasa" .. what would i gain from this? Nothing... and it's not worthy...
Whatever the bounderies, the situation, the heartbreak.. or what-so-ever.. it's not worth quiting and running away from it.. i know you'll gonna say " I had enough" .. "my patience has its own limit" .. "i'm tired of trying and waiting" ... Of course all the things we feel does make sense.... after all.. we're only humans.. and humans only can do what they afford to do...
we cannot compare our sufferings with others.... we cannot compare our level of knowledge to others.. we simply cannot say that our experience is worth a decade than others.... why? because we're have all that with the same feelings... the same anger, the same happiness.... even if we've been thru a different kind of heartache... we still feel the same "pain" ... we're humans after all... its only how people perdict their experience by their faith... does they have enough faith to endure it? do they have the amount of love to accept the what-ever-it-is the problem? these kind of feelings... are based from our own prediction... we choose what we want to feel rather than what we should feel... because it's painful so we choose to be sad.. and vulnerable ... and cold.. suddenly we choose to block ourselves from the outside world.... we felt that no one would understand our pain except ourselves.. and thats the problem right there.... we believed that it was always "Me,Myself and I" .. don't you think our Loving God have a say in this? don't you think that every problem we had always has the solution... the answer is always Faith.
Blaming each other will never solve problems... it's like not only you hurt them, but instead you're hurting yourself more.. then what's good about that?
Recently i have been drifted so far from the world.. i locked myself up.. me and my feelings of course... i was sooo stressed about my wedding(financial), my studies... my work.. my relationship with the bosses in the office.. it was too depressing it hurt my head very hard... but i choose to endure by myself.. thinking ive been through this path before.. i can do it again... and so.. i've been silent.. i didnt say anything to my friends or even my fiance... and the outcome was.. disaster... i treated them(bosses & fiance) so bad ... i lose my respect to my bosses... and it hurts them badly (it shows it their eyes) ... my work performances degrading.. and my health as well.. these so called "sickness" was eating me alive.. it was wrong at the very beginning.. because i didnt have that much faith to trust in God... He knew better what's best for me.. it's either i trust Him to be patience with Him or just lose myself to disaster...
You see, what ever the reason you come up from your problems or heartache, The Lord our Loving God understands it very well.. He has been whispering to us telling to bear with it untill the time is come.. the process is always unpredictable.. that is why He wanted us to be patience with Him.. because once you realized His plans.... You know that the solution he come up for you are not just for your current problems.. but for the rest of Your Life...
So as i always remind myself over and over again.... whatever happens in the past... Happens in the PAST.. what matter is now.. and tomorrow.. we may crumbling down or rise up.. but either way, as long as we have faith in God.. Nothing else matters....