Drained

There are times when you're draining from people's judgment.
It happens a lot these days when everything you heard is not entirely the truth and everything you speculate aren't relatable.
Over the past decade, I come to realize that I have wasted my time and energy for no apparent reason. It exhausts me to a point where depression and anxiety excitedly lurking and creeping and waiting for me to fall into a deep sleep and then attack.
It benefits me nothing but shameless accusations and bad views with nonsense speculation. People would still judge you, even when you're just being a good listener. They would still accuse you; even when you didn't say a thing. People would still say that you're being brainwashed or you've picked the wrong sides, even when you're just minding your own business. People would still talk, regardless and just when it hit me; that's when I decided to stop explaining myself. I just let them do whatever makes them superior and satisfied like a sadist craving for pain. I know my stand because I only go where it makes me grow. I won't let any degrading statement takes control of me. I refused to digest on their nonsense saga and I won't budge from where I know my worth. I direct on my drama. I decide my own life. I control my own.

cleopatra

every soul
I've met
along the journey;
there's a lost Cleopatra
that once ruled their heart

The one who's barely there

The one who's barely there
Had the guts to have a say
That the role That he played
Had contributed he said
Had not he realized
Those words he lay
NoNe whats so ever
A ”sorry” had said
For neglecting his own offspring
For the sake of his pride and
His job was more important
Then spending time with them
The one who's barely there
Had the guts to say ”I’m there”
Didn’t realize the damage he caused
Since the day a womb have mould
All promises he said were bulls
He only hopes that
She would overlook
But she never forgets
The pain she had since 2015
He hasn’t realized
The sacrifice he presents
Was the reason
He wasn’t forgiven
And Still,
He had the guts to have a say
This person who’s barely there

Sometimes, Love is just not enough

I hope that one day
you have the courage
to find happiness
for yourself
and not hiding
from it ;
it doesn't matter
if it's not with me;
as long as you're happy
it'll be enough
happiness
for me

UNDO

Can you un-do?

These shattered glasses

The pieces of impossible fractions

Glued together

As you push the button

‘rewind’

Convince the larva

Is melted

Can you un-sing?

This excruciating melody

Stings in the heart

Leaving no mercy

Like slitting my wrist

Letting me die

Wither and fail

Can you un-kiss?

This haunting taste

Lingering at night

Followed with your sight

This burning tear

Dismantling my fear

Of wanting you near

Such impossible sphere

Intruder

I am an intruder

I didn’t know

The room was occupied

You should have

Put on a ‘don’t disturb’ sign

Not a ‘clean me up’ hint

I’m sorry for hogging

I didn’t know

It was meant for sharing

But I didn’t want to share;

It’s either mine or nothing at all

I didn’t want to dwell with the affair

I am an intruder

No matter what you say

I know I’m not

Playing fair

Wishing for a perfect play

It was all delusional snares

My Story

This is my story

A melodrama-corny

A tragic incident

A burnt heart- not quite

Forever a quitter

Couldn’t stand a man

Rebounded as a lover

Who hands too slippery

To hold and stay close

Sweet-talking; he’s smouldering

With bitter lips that sink

Deeper than conversing

Pretends to be delighted

Act like you’re not lonely

The fact you’re always crying

The moment he’s gone and

You hold his clothes so tight

As you cuddle it every night

You wish you’re with him

When the truth he’s blending

With someone rather important

Leaving your heart dormant

Such a pathetic dying serpent

This is my story

A melodrama–corny

Home II

You’re like

Home

Safe and peaceful

It sounds so

Lunacy

But with you

It’s worth

Of this scathe

Scrapped all

This act

Of not letting

You detect

How the longing

I’ve been fake

Hoping you’d stay

Not making me sway

Of push and pull

But deliver it in full

Tell me this is right

Make me believe

This

This is right

Cause’

You’re like home

To me

You are home

Touch

The moment our skin touch
I might want
more from you
I would ask
for a time from you
Your space
Your attention
my entitlement
your commitment
your everything -

are you ready
to risk that touch
for the things
you won't be able
to construct?

You

You're angry
You could have
left and ignore me
but you're just angry
that you once said
I Love You
but got spurned
with 'stupid you'
and never
had you ever
heard a reply
that I ever
said I did
which I had
Had said that
the one with a
'love you too'
only then
I was content
with a lie
that I died
out of love
love of us
being a part
and told you not
to love me
you would be angry
and then you'll leave me
this will be on repeat
always bleed
kept me weak
that's why
you'll never hear me
saying goodbye
with a cry
because I lied
about 'stupid you'
deep beneath
you knew the truth
how I did
once I said
That I do
Loved you too

Write a Poem

write a poem
a poem about
how I told you
I love you
and you couldn't reply
I told you I loved;
you knew I could never lie

and for that
I couldn't
stop smiling
as days go by

Stones

When everyone
throwing stones
at you-
I'll pick it up
and pack for you
it's the least
I could do
As polite
As I used to

Home

I had to slap

myself a few times

I kept going back

to that moment

when he kissed me

so tender

I almost died -

The feeling

is so natural

it felt literally

like home 

Decision

I don't need
a reminder
of the things
that's used to be sweeter
loving me was an option
Choosing me wasn't a distortion
Lying to me was your excision
stop telling me
how nice it had been
it was indeed
but now it is misdeed
you showed me your revision;
but I've made my own
Moving one-
It's my choice and decision

Music

The Music
mimics
the loud voice
inside my head
I couldn't let it out
But I can feed it
with the euphony
of my pain

Don't have the time

During this dark moment
I don't have time
to even mourn and-
I sat down and think
of all the chores and dues
I have to meet
I couldn't even
shed a tear
I have to defeat
all the fears
the brain couldn't
stop running
the hands couldn't
stop fixing
even at my lowest part
I don't have time
to mend my heart

Pretend

One minute
he's home
other time
he's gone
you could
never comprehend
the life
I have to
pretend

Lament

There were moments
I sometimes wonder
all those omens
I have encountered
In the past
or in the present
I cannot discern
which one is
a pitiful lament

Chivalry

The only chivalry
I once witnessed
was when your hand
covering my head
protecting my scalp
from soaking wet
boasting to the rain
that nothing would let
not even the sun
could sink my heart
from fluttering to death

Pace

I know
which feet
I'm stomping
I know
each path
I'm marching
I'm not saying
I'm less evil
than you are
I'm saying
I'll do it
in my own par
not sooner
not later
just the right apace
and I'll be better

Loyal

A loyal person
such as me
would never
betray you
my coffee -
though someday
you would kill me
I rather it is you
till eternity

Diversion

I was never
the attention
I was rather
the diversion
when you found
someone fresher
than me;
you'll leave
as if I was
obsolete

ill-wit

I almost tell you
everything
about me
But there's one thing
you'll never
gonna see
The Smirk
in my eyes
when I knew
all of your lies
and let you
act out of it
even laugh
at your  ill-wit

True colour

People
sometimes
read you
in different tone
different perspective
a level of their own
and that's okay
never let that
clarify who you
truly are
you know you
not them

Reflection

Once you
start to judge;
Putting every
words you could find
to define me
to create such a trait
of me -
That's when you
starts reflecting
your own image

Unfamiliar room

How isolated
I am
in this
unfamiliar room
Crowd laughing
back to back
while I'm here
writing this
flack

Skin

if
i
show you
some skin -
would you
spare me
my chagrin?

10-5-2019

What gives

Give
it
a
time.

for heartbreak
for hatred
for heartache
soul conflicted

it all
takes time

to recover
to mend
to start over
to ascend

give
it
a
time

9-5-2019

Spot

Oh,
we've been there
fighting for that spot -
yes, we've done that
we gave our whole heart
for a time
a sight
a date
a spot
your attention -
we did all that
for that spot

since we've
been through
hell for a spot -
that only last
for a week;
we decided
well,
not anymore
no, we're won't

we're done
fighting for that spot
we're through
claiming our dot
we knew
we're better
than that
we deserved
more than
a slat

A spot or not
it's not
a definition
of our happiness
a spot or not
we'll decide
whether
we're up for that
we'll pave the path
give it a name
claim our fame
that requires
nobody's acclaim

9-5-2019

Restrain order

I'm retaining
myself
from saying
things
that's going
to kill you
literally -

walk in my shoes
sleep in my blanket
speak in silence
spare me my death

just as
I'm restraining
it's better
if you
should too
don't cut me
when I'm believing
as your promises
will come due

Vow

Such
a promising
vow -
but yet
here I am
alone
without you
somehow

Memory

How can
a memory
be so painful
it changed

from

             "still the one"

to

             "used to be faithful"

3-5-2019

Man of many things

He's the man
that promised me
the moon
but killed
the sun

He's the man
that took care of me
but put me
as his guarantee

He's the man
who purvey and produce
but composed
songs of excuses

He's the man
of mystery
that one person
I couldn't predict
that one person
I failed to verdict

He's the man
of many things
Many Things -
Excluding me

2-5-2019

Time Loop

Have you ever been
so hurt
you cried
while steering
your direction
back to realization
just to grasp
that no one is there
waiting for you
with a smiling stare

have you ever been
in denial
you struggle
keeping your pose
holding yourself
from shouting his name
begging for reasons
you'll never comprehend

have you ever been
so fake-
you acting so brave
you wreck and torn
but stubbornly return
putting yourself back
hoping that others
won't recognize
the cracks

have you ever been
in loop -
that you wake up
in the morning
just to find
yourself  cried to bed
in the dawn and -
on repeat
on-going
undone

30.4.2019

Selfish

you think
you're all that?
the fact that
you're ripping
with our head?
the things you do
you'll burn us too
with the decision you mislead;
would only speed up
our deathbed

you think
it only
affecting you
you screwed up;
others get
messed up too
with your reckless action
you shatter us in fractions
and your selfish collation
would end us
in cremation

Hastily

It happens
too fast
the distance
was too obvious
I knew
we went through
this hastily
without
over-figured
the corollary

Poet

Every poet
went broken
Gone missing
Learned a lesson
Loved again -
and we all
understand

30.4.2019

Ricochet

I told you once
you were
my ricochet
that only
bounced
when I want it to -
it was
the most
regretful thing
I ever lay
on you
you left me
with your scent
of wrath
and drained me
with your smell
of dismay

29.4.2019

Bribe

Bribe me
with whatever
Your trophy
Your seed
Not even flower
could ever
replace the hole
you left -
That once
was special spot
you placed

20.4.2019

I am Fine

I am fine
don't mind me
in a few minutes
I'll be alright;
really?
is that so?
weren't you crying
under the table
when your call
wasn't answered
at all?

it's okay
it'll work out
anyway
i always kept
my pose at ease -
really?
is that so?
i thought i heard
you stomping around
holding a fist
punching the air
while
gritting your teeth

i am strong
don't pity me
i have faith -
do you really?
then why your eyes
flickering with lies
and your heart burned
gasping for air
pointing out
you're alone
with your head down
hoping for space
escapes from the lenses
you keep screaming
that you're fine
you're okay
the burden you take
when you're is taken aback
with questions
that they stated
saying that you're fake

don't hide your feelings
say what you meant
a heart meant for healing
it's not the end
it's okay
to fall and cry
it's not wrong
to punch and bawls
this heartache
this hate
will slowly fade
and turn the day
from night
we're humans
after all
incapable to fight
this heartbreak
we tend to hide

is it wrong?
to show and tell?
what this heartfelt
when love is frail?
why ashamed
to admit your gloom
when it's not yours
to blame its doom?
fine;
we're broken
but doesn't it mean
we're just human?
rather than hiding
and pretend you're gay
laughing and joking
as if you were okay?

I'm okay
don't mind me
is it really?
you're fine
completely?
just stop;
stop it
stop it
stop it stop it;
it's okay
to say you're not
we're human anyway

regardless of our fright
say it freely
say it loud
say you're greedy
you're allowed
this feeling -
this hurt;
this easing -
it will invert
when I said
i was hurt
it doesn't mean
i am dead
it just meant
i need space
from all this haze
of uncertain maze

i know
i''ll get by
from everything
that prepared me
to die
even if
you're hurt
from that person so curt;
this despair will bare
from time to time
it will care

23.3.2019

Long run

I may run out of
I Love Yous
But believe me
I'm here
for the long run
and long run
aren't easy

18.3.2019

15.3.2019

we were saddened with a tragedy
it's been written in history
That the Hate conquers the world
Little love and compassion
was not the main causation
for this nonsense revulsion
they fought for salvation
yet buried deep
with bullets and bombs
unnoticed
unexpected
unfair

you claimed your land
that it was ancient
and burst in anger
when intruder build a mansion
this land is not yours alone
this land was built for mankind
not 'animals'; but humans
and it's merely terminal
soon will fade in black
with all our sins and cracks

what a shame
that so-called
principle you uphold
that legacy you proud of
is sickening and unfortunate
that this is a belief
you grew up with
what a shame
for us to see
this is the colour
you choose
to show me

here's a prayer
for all them wrongdoers
here's a blessing
for all the tragic victims
let's unite
than upbringing fright
this tragic misery
won't cause us the blight
with love and compassion
the reason for unison
let dark history
buried deep
and grew
serenity out of it

*this heart goes to all the family of the Christchurch victims.

Awkward

Deep inside
I know
I should
Find a spot
Put a dot
Leave a gap
Keep a distance
This Instance -
For unnecessary loop
that causes us croup

15.3.2019

Finally

Finally¬¬
is just a little
too late;
you should
have known that
from our very
first sight -

19.4.2019

Legit

She was legit

From her scorns

To her frowns

She yells

Whenever she horns

From the tip of her tongue

That slices deep wounds

She nails every attack

With a whip of her smack

Who can you blame?

The cause of her pain

A man once was "man"

Now gone left his name

She was legit

For a broken woman

She’s grown out of it

20.2.2019

14th

What is a valentine to me?

Just another

Ordinary Thursday

That might be heartache

Or maybe plain “okay”

But what different

Does it makes?

When I’m wide awake

In the midst of a shipwreck

Trying to unveil

This wicked braille

From your lips

Of proofread scripts

I want to murder

Every sound

Of your murmur

That squeals out

A Pathetic beggar

Begging for mercy

Oh mercy me

Gosh you’re such a coward

Bury yourself

With all that bragging

That turned soured

What’s the point

Of reassuring me

That this would be

A happy glee

When I am here

Pretending and acting

That the garden is blooming

And the birds

Is humming

When all the flowers

You’ve plucked

Is dead and dry

All the birds

Is bled and cried

Can you repeat the question?

What is Valentine again?

12.2.2019

Questions

so many questions
I'm meaning to ask you
from why me?
why then?
why this? and
why now?
this heavy lifting
I felt inside me
keeps dragging
Me down
deeper underground

it caused me
my time
my mind
my soul
my heart as well
when you
made me fall
This heart, it fell
And when it breaks
lips flatten
eyes glisten
over and over
my heart breaks apart
but to you, it shines
like a fine art

and when you're gone
it questioned my song
these lyrics I've written
were no longer sweeten
rather bitten
with awful sour
painful agony
twined with memories
that once was ours

Therefore questions
I'm meaning to ask you
were the same reason
I'm meaning to tell you
that I rather let it be
Than wonder what it'll be
cause the more I know
the harder I'll grow
I hope you'll see
this part of me -
saying farewell
this questions; I'll quell

26-01-2019