When The Heart Speaks Louder Than Words

When The Heart Speaks Louder Than Words
Where Books and Coffee; makes everything less worry

Friday, June 30, 2017

Future II

I don’t love you –
Not the way you do
You didn’t gave me
Much time and space
For this future I had to face

To live with you
To live without you
There aren’t much of a choice
When you left me hanging – UN-rejoice

You thought you can choose
But then you’ll lose
For one act I mostly regret

The decision I once had made


I’m always last
From all your list
From work to friends
And back again
And still I’m last
From all your list

Even after this
When I’ve sacrifice
My time and space
I’m still the last
From all your list

Funny thing is
When everything
Go against your will
Your work, your friends
Lead no time to chill
Somehow I’m the place

Your heart choose to be still


You’re right
It’s not always
Butterflies and candy
It’s chaotic, hectic
And a lot more messy

But at least
The sky is clearer;
After the rain –
It’s always dryer
For those who believe

That love needs a fighter


I might have passed that moments
Moments when there’s no ‘thank you’
Every time in life, you gave love and romance
I tend to see the bad in you

I am selfish, and I’m truly sorry
For not being the person you hope to be
I only complain, sulk and worry
Rather than grateful and thankful –me

When I smacked with bad words to your face
You replied with a calming face
And with a smile you said to me
‘I’m sorry, I’ll do better’ you promised me

So thank you for still being ‘you’
The kind and gentle and patience too
When its hard; this life put you through
Still faith and believe I saw in you

For every journey I walked with you
Name it bitter or even blue
I’ll stay and linger and faithful too

As long as this life; I do it with you

Not once but twice

I broke your heart
Not once but twice
It was messy and hard
Your heart – I had heist
Never my motive
Never indeed
Hurting your love was
Like beating me to bleed

This feeling was true
It was never unsure
Only road that was taken
Crossing wrong pattern
Sometimes I wonder
If time meet again
Do you still smile to ear
If I said let’s begin?

But not once but twice
I beg you goodbye
These words flew easy
Easily letting you die
I’m sorry for hurting
I’m sorry I’m leaving
Not once but twice

I was cold as ice

Nosy traveler

Once upon a dreamer
There once a nosy traveler
Who loves to poke everyone nose
Especially if it’s bigger

The traveler were obsessed
With the texture and the mess
And so deeper in the hole he go
Regardless the mucus non-stop flow

Once upon a dreamer
There once a nosy traveler
Scooping and digging
Every nose he could find and
Share to other traveler

Once a nose he found it better
Bigger, stickier than ever
With happy face he grin and amazed
Continue poking without a rest


Like a nomad, I moved to everywhere
Name a place, there’s no place I haven’t declared
With thought that home is where you belong
Where home is your friends and love – that you’ve long

Moving around wasn’t my vision
It’s more of a mission, dragged by an empathy
That your dreams are not your motivation
But sacrifice for others for their satisfactory

Living like a nomad since 2008
Without motives and goal I choose to fled
Fled from all my dreams and just idle
This time around it’s my time to mingle

And now I’m free and just be still
This time I have reason for me to chill
Won’t budge or move, just want to stay

To start a life I’ve been astray

Last resort

To a place I kept falling into
And hide my heart’s desire
Die with your words still inside you –
Stuck and sealed forever wired

I hurt him, he hurt me
Neither of us was meant to be
We thought we would be happy
When we choose to get through this journey

We did our best
But our best was terrible
Not one day we could rest
From begging for miracle

Then this is our last resort
To stand and heal what’s broken
Would it be forever resolve?

If we let our hearts open?

Fully occupied

When the mind is fully occupied
So much curse words I need to hide
The things needs to meet before time
Only pray that this patience is kind

So force must not be mention
When tasks is in tension
Fear bad words would explode
Once my limits starts to unload

Dozens of mindful major dues
Right at the corner of my views
The steering starts to wearer
Last option would be only prayer

So stop just stop right where you are
Those packages of bulls – you’re bearing
Why shit loads when you promised me a star

Can’t you see I’m now tearing?

Strong heart – wrong path

There’s other place she needs to be
Rather than standing here
So many things she needs to do
Yet her face calms the night through

Her mind is idling somewhere else
Her soul urging for better glee
But her body still stand at rest
Waiting for no one to set her free

This burden she’s carrying no one knew
Still bound of task they ask her to
The need to restore she had to blew
With dying face, this place she’d go

Be strong se said
It’s only terminal
What a blunt thing to bet

To bet for no miracle


When I die
What will people remember me by?
Will they remember the way I smiled?
Or when I said goodbye?
Is it perhaps the way I cheated?
Or the time when my kindness mistreated?
Would all the guys I’ve fallen before;
Remember me by the first hello?
Perhaps the moment our hearts unite?
Or the times I’ve said this isn’t right?

Would all my friends visit my funeral?
Even when we’re no more in verbal?
The girls whom I used to be close
Might not even send me a rose
I wonder will they still miss me
When my soul incarnate to another mystery

Sometimes I don’t mind
Because oblivion will fade in time
But really the heart refuse to obey
When you were alone from the very first day
How I wish this and that and all
But then again it isn’t my call
To demand people to remember me by
When there isn’t any left

To be there on your death

When the heart speaks louder than words

The hearts speaks louder than words
Blaming lips that unable to sort
For feelings you thought you couldn’t afford
With no guilt – it slips without effort

The heart speaks louder, unguarded
And merely words left to unfold
Surpassing the moment of self-loath
When it’s spoken louder than words

The feeling inside
Are hard to describe
And the words relate
Aren’t align – side by side
Whenever I feel like to hide
Somehow I hope this feeling subside
But then again the heart starts to scream
Exploding with feelings in reams of hints

With pen and paper
I start to offer
Mutual feelings and agreements
Of what truly meant
What heart couldn’t understand
Rather let it explode
This pen will draw the rightful road
When the heart speaks louder

This pen will run you over

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Trust Issue

Ever wonder why some people can be so secretive? I mean really private about their lives - every problem or any event that's happening are just not in your hearing list - you probably worried sick kan? yalah as a friend we tend to worry much and a bit terkilan why they didn't share that to you? i get that sometimes because i'm that secretive - even to my FnFs.

It's not that they didn't want to share every detail of their life - well some just loove to share just about anything; via FBs, Twitters, Blogs even IGs. Closer friend would know something is off and questioned why not sharing...

we all have reasons as to why we exactly do the opposite:

1. Because we just don't. No offends besties - it's not about seniority or how close your are with someone or how bloody related you are that affected the amount of info's to share - they just don't. Nothing personal.

2. Why even bother to tell? 20% are incapable to do anything about it, and 80% just don't even care.

3. We're not a good "sharer" . We are better off as a listener.

4. TRUST issue.

i would love to elaborate on point no. 4

I have problem with trust since high school. You know in School they have this student who act as "Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya" a.k.a PRS right? So one of my friends was a PRS.. PRS acts like befrienders where they listen to people's problems and help them to sort things out or just be there as a good listener can be. So apparently i've shared my black history to this friend of mine believing that they would never betrayed their pledge or dishonor loyalty or secrecy of their "customers" to public. Guess what? They SUCK!! .. just after sharing session; suddenly one of my friends go up to me and asked random questions that directly go to  thats-suppose-to-be-secret Topic????  can you imagine the agony??? how can you betrayed to your customer plus YOUR FRIEND???? she's your fucking friend dude.. like what did i ever do to deserve such "friendship"??? i was a bit traumatized by the effect; i mean this is what you get when you share things about your life; they don't care and they only betrayed you and they'll use all the info for their own self-interest......well, since then, i became secretive like i rather be the listener than someone who's just babbling about self-drama. 

You see, people have reason why they don't share the things that you wanted to know... so don't be offended if your best friend  don't talk about their private life; it's supposed to be private in the first place.. I have dealt so many times when it comes with trust - at times i thought to myself that i should give them chances to get to know me more.. like i have to be open so that they'll know that i'm not that COLD.. but as i open up and be more care-free, betrayal seem to keep knocking at my doorstep.... what did i get? a break-up from a 13 years relationship with ex-fiance that stabs you for 13 whole fucking years................ and in the end i choose to isolate myself from social life ... 

It's nothing personal it's just that i have trust issue since trust is such a big deal for me. you don't know who's gonna be your true friend until they stab you and left a big scar in your heart and apparently you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life. So much for trusting PRS huh (lol) ... 

So yeah, don't break it if your incapable to keep that promise.. and please do understand that people who are secretive are meant no harm but peace and harmony and forever love... i mean what if people keep barging your doorstep just to ask you random personal questions and non-stop sibuk about your life? doesn't it suffocate you? Even celebrities want a piece of privacy bah.. don't we all???  

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

it all started with ...

It all started with diaries. Nothing but a sappy-dramatic-melancholic emotions wrap together in there; very straight forward, blunt, young and pretty much fragile. Then i learned that diaries are just too transparent, too naked, too predictable that people could actually read you but don't understand you and so - poetry was introduced to me.

Since then, i found poetry in every breath, every glimpse of moment, a blink of an eye and every step of my life.

writing has always been something close to heart. From diaries, i turn to poet-ries. it's one place that actually gave that scent of zen and the only place i can hide when the world seems unbearable to watch.

It may not be much of a comfort for you; but it does to me -
and not because i feel safe in it: but rather it made me more humane - less drama, less anger, less sadness, more faith and hope and love.

You feel me?

Maybe one day people would actually read my book; not because they want to know my story; but rather shared that same random feeling - that one simple word that would crack you, that made you feel something; Not because of that expressive jargon language... but that one specific word that actually touches you.


Kata mereka itu hormon
Tindakbalas ubat konon
Tapi bagiku ia perasaan
Perasaan sunyi mengundang cobaan

Bila semua harus sendiri
Jenguk bayi, susu dan mandi
Rasa lebih seperti sendiri
Bila lagak more to 'single-motherly'

Moralti diketepi
Bila sokongan tidak dikecapi
Bergunakah "keluarga"?
Bila bilangan hanya "berdua"?

Kata mereka it's medical
Postnatal depression lebih detail
Padahal hanya perasaan
Perasaan Pedih mengundang Royan


**Royan is a serious issue if not taken seriously
shout out to all husbands; pleas take care of your wives
especially during confinement


I have sold my soul to the devil
Just so you could go Up level
And had nothing left for me to give
you only leave me with grief

What's the point of 'Together'?
When you're only go further
Further from your family
Which Family means Me



She's different from any woman,
Where she walks on different pavement
For every pavement her feet lies;
leaves a sparkle to every eyes -


#shoutout to all the woman in the world.
you're unique and different in your own version.

Speak Of You

I don't speak of you
The way you spoke of me
Telling them this and that - those and all
i didn't speak your name at all

I don't speak of you
The way you spoke of me
Even sometimes you saw me bragged
That wasn't you i babbled about -

The sea may part our heart and soul
I haven't speak of you at all
For trust and loyalty -
is what i preached;
i never speak of you
No - not even a heartbeat



My Kingdom have lost it's shape
From all the curves i used to have
It seems you're avoiding me
Are you really ashamed of me?

Can't you see i felt rejected
from all the opposite action you're acted
when all the love turn 360' degrees
It feels as if i'm losing your grip

Self-pride is all i have left
When even i scream, you're still be deaf
If your Love won't even budge
I'll turn myself and love as Much


Happiness - Not

I've lost happiness along the way
I can't seem to find it anywhere
For all those time we've lost our track
Honestly it cause me a heartbreak
Who's fault is that? No one knew
The distances, the cold, the breaking rules
The 'i have to work' 24/7 a day
leaving me and daughter - alone and astray
I've lost your touch
Your Love as much
It seems we've forget to love at all
Letting me breaking alone and fall
I've lost happiness along the way
Can't seem to find it anywhere


No Name

No more touching like you would do
No more pillow talk like we used to
So close yet so far
That's exactly where we are

With all that shits you used to care
And promises you'll always be there
You don't even noticed i'm tearing
From all the bulls we're struggling

With excuses and reasons
Causing my grip to loose end
We don't love like we used to
I'm afraid - i'm losing you