Future II

I don’t love you –

Not the way you do

You didn’t gave me

Much time and space

For this future I had to face

To live with you

To live without you

There aren’t much of a choice

When you left me hanging – UN-rejoice

You thought you can choose

But then you’ll lose

For one act I mostly regret

The decision I once had made

Last

I’m always last

From all your list

From work to friends

And back again

And still I’m last

From all your list

Even after this

When I’ve sacrifice

My time and space

I’m still the last

From all your list

Funny thing is

When everything

Go against your will

Your work, your friends

Lead no time to chill

Somehow I’m the place

Your heart choose to be still

Valentine

You’re right

It’s not always

Butterflies and candy

It’s chaotic, hectic

And a lot more messy

But at least

The sky is clearer;

After the rain –

It’s always dryer

For those who believe

That love needs a fighter

Not once but twice

I broke your heart

Not once but twice

It was messy and hard

Your heart – I had heist

Never my motive

Never indeed

Hurting your love was

Like beating me to bleed

This feeling was true

It was never unsure

Only road that was taken

Crossing wrong pattern

Sometimes I wonder

If time meet again

Do you still smile to ear

If I said let’s begin?

But not once but twice

I beg you goodbye

These words flew easy

Easily letting you die

I’m sorry for hurting

I’m sorry I’m leaving

Not once but twice

I was cold as ice

Nosy traveller

Once upon a dreamer

There once a nosy traveller

Who loves to poke everyone nose

Especially if it’s bigger

The traveler were obsessed

With the texture and the mess

And so deeper in the hole he go

Regardless the mucus non-stop flow

Once upon a dreamer

There once a nosy traveller

Scooping and digging

Every nose he could find and

Share to other traveler

Once a nose he found it better

Bigger, stickier than ever

With happy face he grinned and amazed

Continue poking without a rest

Nomad

Like a nomad, I moved to everywhere

Name a place, there’s no place I haven’t declared

With thought that home is where you belong

Where home is your friends and love – that you’ve long

Moving around wasn’t my vision

It’s more of a mission, dragged by an empathy

That your dreams are not your motivation

But sacrifice for others for their satisfactory

Living like a nomad since 2008

Without motives and goal I choose to fled

Fled from all my dreams and just idle

This time around it’s my time to mingle

And now I’m free and just be still

This time I have reason for me to chill

Won’t budge or move, just want to stay

To start a life I’ve been astray

Last resort

To a place I kept falling into

And hide my heart’s desire

Die with your words still inside you –

Stuck and sealed forever wired

I hurt him, he hurt me

Neither of us was meant to be

We thought we would be happy

When we choose to get through this journey

We did our best

But our best was terrible

Not one day we could rest

From begging for miracle

Then this is our last resort

To stand and heal what’s broken

Would it be forever resolve?

If we let our hearts open?

Fully occupied

When the mind is fully occupied

So much curse words I need to hide

The things needs to meet before time

Only pray that this patience is kind

So force must not be mention

When tasks is in tension

Fear bad words would explode

Once my limits starts to unload

Dozens of mindful major dues

Right at the corner of my views

The steering starts to wearer

Last option would be only prayer

So stop just stop right where you are

Those packages of bulls – you’re bearing

Why shit loads when you promised me a star

Can’t you see I’m now tearing?

Strong heart – wrong path

There’s other place she needs to be

Rather than standing here

So many things she needs to do

Yet her face calms the night through

Her mind is idling somewhere else

Her soul urging for better glee

But her body still stand at rest

Waiting for no one to set her free

This burden she’s carrying no one knew

Still bound of task they ask her to

The need to restore she had to blew

With dying face, this place she’d go

Be strong se said

It’s only terminal

What a blunt thing to bet

To bet for no miracle

Oblivion

When I die

What will people remember me by?

Will they remember the way I smiled?

Or when I said goodbye?

Is it perhaps the way I cheated?

Or the time when my kindness mistreated?

Would all the guys I’ve fallen before;

Remember me by the first hello?

Perhaps the moment our hearts unite?

Or the times I’ve said this isn’t right?

Would all my friends visit my funeral?

Even when we’re no more in verbal?

The girls whom I used to be close

Might not even send me a rose

I wonder will they still miss me

When my soul incarnate to another mystery

Sometimes I don’t mind

Because oblivion will fade in time

But really the heart refuse to obey

When you were alone from the very first day

How I wish this and that and all

But then again it isn’t my call

To demand people to remember me by

When there isn’t any left

To be there on your death

When the heart speaks louder than words

The hearts speaks louder than words

Blaming lips that unable to sort

For feelings you thought you couldn’t afford

With no guilt – it slips without effort

The heart speaks louder, unguarded

And merely words left to unfold

Surpassing the moment of self-loath

When it’s spoken louder than words

The feeling inside

Are hard to describe

And the words relate

Aren’t align – side by side

Whenever I feel like to hide

Somehow I hope this feeling subside

But then again the heart starts to scream

Exploding with feelings in reams of hints

With pen and paper

I start to offer

Mutual feelings and agreements

Of what truly meant

What heart couldn’t understand

Rather let it explode

This pen will draw the rightful road

When the heart speaks louder

This pen will run you over

Trust Issue

Ever wonder why some people can be so secretive? I mean really private about their lives - every problem or any event that's happening are just not in your hearing list - you probably worried sick kan? yalah as a friend we tend to worry much and a bit terkilan why they didn't share that to you? i get that sometimes because i'm that secretive - even to my FnFs.

It's not that they didn't want to share every detail of their life - well some just loove to share just about anything; via FBs, Twitters, Blogs even IGs. Closer friend would know something is off and questioned why not sharing...

we all have reasons as to why we exactly do the opposite:

1. Because we just don't. No offends besties - it's not about seniority or how close your are with someone or how bloody related you are that affected the amount of info's to share - they just don't. Nothing personal.

2. Why even bother to tell? 20% are incapable to do anything about it, and 80% just don't even care.

3. We're not a good "sharer" . We are better off as a listener.

4. TRUST issue.

i would love to elaborate on point no. 4

I have problem with trust since high school. You know in School they have this student who act as "Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya" a.k.a PRS right? So one of my friends was a PRS.. PRS acts like befrienders where they listen to people's problems and help them to sort things out or just be there as a good listener can be. So apparently i've shared my black history to this friend of mine believing that they would never betrayed their pledge or dishonor loyalty or secrecy of their "customers" to public. Guess what? They SUCK!! .. just after sharing session; suddenly one of my friends go up to me and asked random questions that directly go to  thats-suppose-to-be-secret Topic????  can you imagine the agony??? how can you betrayed to your customer plus YOUR FRIEND???? she's your fucking friend dude.. like what did i ever do to deserve such "friendship"??? i was a bit traumatized by the effect; i mean this is what you get when you share things about your life; they don't care and they only betrayed you and they'll use all the info for their own self-interest......well, since then, i became secretive like i rather be the listener than someone who's just babbling about self-drama. 

You see, people have reason why they don't share the things that you wanted to know... so don't be offended if your best friend  don't talk about their private life; it's supposed to be private in the first place.. I have dealt so many times when it comes with trust - at times i thought to myself that i should give them chances to get to know me more.. like i have to be open so that they'll know that i'm not that COLD.. but as i open up and be more care-free, betrayal seem to keep knocking at my doorstep.... what did i get? a break-up from a 13 years relationship with ex-fiance that stabs you for 13 whole fucking years................ and in the end i choose to isolate myself from social life ... 

It's nothing personal it's just that i have trust issue since trust is such a big deal for me. you don't know who's gonna be your true friend until they stab you and left a big scar in your heart and apparently you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life. So much for trusting PRS huh (lol) ... 

So yeah, don't break it if your incapable to keep that promise.. and please do understand that people who are secretive are meant no harm but peace and harmony and forever love... i mean what if people keep barging your doorstep just to ask you random personal questions and non-stop sibuk about your life? doesn't it suffocate you? Even celebrities want a piece of privacy bah.. don't we all???  

it all started with ...

It all started with diaries. Nothing but a sappy-dramatic-melancholic emotions wrap together in there; very straight forward, blunt, young and pretty much fragile. Then i learned that diaries are just too transparent, too naked, too predictable that people could actually read you but don't understand you and so - poetry was introduced to me.

Since then, i found poetry in every breath, every glimpse of moment, a blink of an eye and every step of my life.

writing has always been something close to heart. From diaries, i turn to poet-ries. it's one place that actually gave that scent of zen and the only place i can hide when the world seems unbearable to watch.

It may not be much of a comfort for you; but it does to me -
and not because i feel safe in it: but rather it made me more humane - less drama, less anger, less sadness, more faith and hope and love.

You feel me?

Maybe one day people would actually read my book; not because they want to know my story; but rather shared that same random feeling - that one simple word that would crack you, that made you feel something; Not because of that expressive jargon language... but that one specific word that actually touches you.

Meroyan

Kata mereka itu hormon
Tindakbalas ubat konon
Tapi bagiku ia perasaan
Perasaan sunyi mengundang cobaan

Bila semua harus sendiri
Jenguk bayi, susu dan mandi
Rasa lebih seperti sendiri
Bila lagak more to 'single-motherly'

Moralti diketepi
Bila sokongan tidak dikecapi
Bergunakah "keluarga"?
Bila bilangan hanya "berdua"?

Kata mereka it's medical
Postnatal depression lebih detail
Padahal hanya perasaan
Perasaan Pedih mengundang Royan

09-10-2016

**Royan is a serious issue if not taken seriously
shout out to all husbands; pleas take care of your wives
especially during confinement

Grief

I have sold my soul to the devil
Just so you could go Up level
And had nothing left for me to give
you only leave me with grief

What's the point of 'Together'?
When you're only go further
Further from your family
Which Family means Me

07.01.2017

Woman

She's different from any woman,
Where she walks on different pavement
For every pavement her feet lies;
leaves a sparkle to every eyes -

28-03-2017

#shoutout to all the woman in the world.
you're unique and different in your own version.

Speak Of You

I don't speak of you
The way you spoke of me
Telling them this and that - those and all
i didn't speak your name at all

I don't speak of you
The way you spoke of me
Even sometimes you saw me bragged
That wasn't you i babbled about -

The sea may part our heart and soul
I haven't speak of you at all
For trust and loyalty -
is what i preached;
i never speak of you
No - not even a heartbeat

05-06-2017

Rejected

My Kingdom have lost it's shape
From all the curves i used to have
It seems you're avoiding me
Are you really ashamed of me?

Can't you see i felt rejected
from all the opposite action you're acted
when all the love turn 360' degrees
It feels as if i'm losing your grip

Self-pride is all i have left
When even i scream, you're still be deaf
If your Love won't even budge
I'll turn myself and love as Much

24-06-2017

Happiness - Not

I've lost happiness along the way

I can't seem to find it anywhere

For all those time we've lost our track

Honestly it cause me a heartbreak

Whose fault is that? No one knew

The distances, the cold, the breaking rules

The 'I have to work' 24/7 a day

Leaving me and daughter - alone and astray

I've lost your touch

You’re Love as much

It seems we've forget to love at all

Letting me breaking alone and fall

I've lost happiness along the way

Can't seem to find it anywhere

28-06-2017

No Name

No more touching like you would do
No more pillow talk like we used to
So close yet so far
That's exactly where we are

With all that shits you used to care
And promises you'll always be there
You don't even noticed i'm tearing
From all the bulls we're struggling

With excuses and reasons
Causing my grip to loose end
We don't love like we used to
I'm afraid - i'm losing you

28-06-2017