I'm not the one

 I'm not the one you're

looking for;

the ones you've seen

were just my past

and I've been different

since my last salvation

I'm not the one

that you called fate

cause I don't date

just to get laid

I don't drink on Saturdays for fun-

I read and studied

every Wednesday and Saturdays

spend time with loved ones

and Bible Reading

till it's early morn

No, I'm not perfect

Far from being good indeed

but I'm learning

and still searching

and it is what gave

me peace and longing

if you're willing to change

please don't do it for me

for the only reason is

you do it for Him

and if you say it is boring;

this life I'm living-

then I'm not the one

you should be dating

I hope the Rain reminds you of me

" I hope the rain reminds you of me"

talking to myself

as I watched the dripping rain

outside my window

"It's been raining lately; you're probably got sick of me -naturally"

talking to myself after a week of non-stop raining

In Between Reading

 Sometimes,

in between reading

a phrase would pop-up

like-

hold my hand like it's winter

and put it in your pocket

I do sometimes witness Love

 When a man loves a woman

He provides and protects

fulfil and projects

a dream of a woman

as a team, not debate

whether to build a castle

or a mating lair

whether to give more

as take it  away;

to place a sanctuary

and call it home

and make a family

to call their own

Type

 I'm not the type
to run away
but in this case,
I'll keep you astray
and stay away

I'm not the type
to bash around
but in this case
I'll stick my ground
from exploiting things
right to your face

I'm not the type
to mind people's business
but in this case
I'll commute
and mend your disease
I'll lend my hand
and with this love;
I'll contribute
a prayer for your tribute -
that you'll find
the right route

In the process

Writing to you 
was never easy
talking was even harder

than breathing

it felt like I'm choking

while I'm drinking

because this burden I'm weighting

and these sins I've collecting

but you always answer with a smile

whenever I hide and grieve

embarrassed with my own deceive

with your hands reaching out

You come and restore this drought

plucking every weed

growing in my throat

washing my feet as I stumble in mud

clothing me with faith

and hope of abstaining

how can I not go with You?

when You promised me

better than the world

better than the Universe

better than my own

it wasn't that hard talking to You

saying 'thank you' was as

good as praying goes

it wasn't hard talking to You

when all I can do

is mend and appose

Old Gold

I get that now

that my body and soul

doesn't click at all

the body wants to party

the soul wants to stay whole

I get that now

that my soul was an old gold

she rather reads

than hit the streets

she rather writes

than scream all night

the body may be young

but the soul was long hung

how do I know?

because I always cry

on the wrong side of a track

every time I hit the Jack and Teq

I get that now

that my body and soul

doesn't click at all

Cursed

Once,
A friend told me this
“Your love is forever cursed”
You either encounter
A blunder
Or end up
In messed up wonder
I don’t know whether
To agree or to curse
Whether to dwell
Or feeling swell

Sacrifice

I cut my hair when I’m sad

An issue with a boyfriend

A friend, a problem, a feeling

Anything in between

Demands a lock of hair

For ritual killing

An offering for the cost

Of rejuvenating

And rise from

The deadly beating

After a while

It grew back and longer

But it won’t last with this anger

Again, it will be offered

To the deity of insanity

In exchange for serenity

It’s a mortal crown

That deserves an eternal frown

Long live the Queen they said

But why do we still stare

To the block of a statue

And sacrifice our virtue?

Every time I cut it

I knew I had it

This overwhelming feeling

Of a broken healing

A timeline I demand

To discover the recover

Of how will my heart begins

To wonder at love all over

But then again

We would never comprehend

Why sacrifice is legit

For a broken woman to commit

In searching for herself

Reunite with oneself

A riddle we all ponder

Forever wander this mysterious monster

Demands a hair

For an exchange

To remain center

New Norms

When distance
becomes closeness
When hands depart
becomes intimate
When Texting
becomes courting
When hugs and kisses
Wrapped up in Xs and Os
These new norms
we're evolving
will it destroy us
or render our love forever?

Quarantine Day-44

Drained

There are times when you're draining from people's judgment.
It happens a lot these days when everything you heard is not entirely the truth and everything you speculate aren't relatable.
Over the past decade, I come to realize that I have wasted my time and energy for no apparent reason. It exhausts me to a point where depression and anxiety excitedly lurking and creeping and waiting for me to fall into a deep sleep and then attack.
It benefits me nothing but shameless accusations and bad views with nonsense speculation. People would still judge you, even when you're just being a good listener. They would still accuse you; even when you didn't say a thing. People would still say that you're being brainwashed or you've picked the wrong sides, even when you're just minding your own business. People would still talk, regardless and just when it hit me; that's when I decided to stop explaining myself. I just let them do whatever makes them superior and satisfied like a sadist craving for pain. I know my stand because I only go where it makes me grow. I won't let any degrading statement takes control of me. I refused to digest on their nonsense saga and I won't budge from where I know my worth. I direct on my drama. I decide my own life. I control my own.

cleopatra

every soul
I've met
along the journey;
there's a lost Cleopatra
that once ruled their heart

The one who's barely there

The one who's barely there
Had the guts to have a say
That the role That he played
Had contributed he said
Had not he realized
Those words he lay
NoNe whats so ever
A ”sorry” had said
For neglecting his own offspring
For the sake of his pride and
His job was more important
Then spending time with them
The one who's barely there
Had the guts to say ”I’m there”
Didn’t realize the damage he caused
Since the day a womb have mould
All promises he said were bulls
He only hopes that
She would overlook
But she never forgets
The pain she had since 2015
He hasn’t realized
The sacrifice he presents
Was the reason
He wasn’t forgiven
And Still,
He had the guts to have a say
This person who’s barely there

Sometimes, Love is just not enough

I hope that one day
you have the courage
to find happiness
for yourself
and not hiding
from it ;
it doesn't matter
if it's not with me;
as long as you're happy
it'll be enough
happiness
for me

UNDO

Can you un-do?

These shattered glasses

The pieces of impossible fractions

Glued together

As you push the button

‘rewind’

Convince the larva

Is melted

Can you un-sing?

This excruciating melody

Stings in the heart

Leaving no mercy

Like slitting my wrist

Letting me die

Wither and fail

Can you un-kiss?

This haunting taste

Lingering at night

Followed with your sight

This burning tear

Dismantling my fear

Of wanting you near

Such impossible sphere

Intruder

I am an intruder

I didn’t know

The room was occupied

You should have

Put on a ‘don’t disturb’ sign

Not a ‘clean me up’ hint

I’m sorry for hogging

I didn’t know

It was meant for sharing

But I didn’t want to share;

It’s either mine or nothing at all

I didn’t want to dwell with the affair

I am an intruder

No matter what you say

I know I’m not

Playing fair

Wishing for a perfect play

It was all delusional snares

My Story

This is my story

A melodrama-corny

A tragic incident

A burnt heart- not quite

Forever a quitter

Couldn’t stand a man

Rebounded as a lover

Who hands too slippery

To hold and stay close

Sweet-talking; he’s smouldering

With bitter lips that sink

Deeper than conversing

Pretends to be delighted

Act like you’re not lonely

The fact you’re always crying

The moment he’s gone and

You hold his clothes so tight

As you cuddle it every night

You wish you’re with him

When the truth he’s blending

With someone rather important

Leaving your heart dormant

Such a pathetic dying serpent

This is my story

A melodrama–corny

Home II

You’re like

Home

Safe and peaceful

It sounds so

Lunacy

But with you

It’s worth

Of this scathe

Scrapped all

This act

Of not letting

You detect

How the longing

I’ve been fake

Hoping you’d stay

Not making me sway

Of push and pull

But deliver it in full

Tell me this is right

Make me believe

This

This is right

Cause’

You’re like home

To me

You are home

Touch

The moment our skin touch
I might want
more from you
I would ask
for a time from you
Your space
Your attention
my entitlement
your commitment
your everything -

are you ready
to risk that touch
for the things
you won't be able
to construct?

You

You're angry
You could have
left and ignore me
but you're just angry
that you once said
I Love You
but got spurned
with 'stupid you'
and never
had you ever
heard a reply
that I ever
said I did
which I had
Had said that
the one with a
'love you too'
only then
I was content
with a lie
that I died
out of love
love of us
being a part
and told you not
to love me
you would be angry
and then you'll leave me
this will be on repeat
always bleed
kept me weak
that's why
you'll never hear me
saying goodbye
with a cry
because I lied
about 'stupid you'
deep beneath
you knew the truth
how I did
once I said
That I do
Loved you too